Pornography is everywhere in our society nowadays, and in a lot more places than people realise. The Scum newspaper, amongst others, has Page 3 – which shows a topless woman in it everyday. People will say this isn’t porn – but it is. That kind of image would be quite extreme 50 years ago, but now it’s commonplace. (Page 3 has now been banned – but was still fully flowing when this article was written. Although other newspapers still have it)
The media knows that sex sells – to men especially. They know if they want an online advert link to be clicked, they can just put a half naked woman thumbnail on it and a good percentage of men will click on it regardless of what the link says, and just like that a company earns money. A lot of people in society, women included, think that this is fine, there’s no harm in that. But they are wrong. You see, a half naked woman in an advert or newspaper might seem harmless to some, but for others it’s a gateway to a whole different world.
Porn addiction is a very real, very dangerous thing. For years people would refuse to believe that you could get addicted to pornography, passing it off as just a bit of fun. But now we are seeing it addressed by porn addiction councillors – but it’s still not as big a widespread issue in our society as it should be.
I’ve enjoyed porn from my teenage years like a good majority of lads. I remember the days when still images were all you could see as a youngster, and being caught by my mum – who would go absolutely mad at me about it. As I got older she would send me articles about it, which would change my view and ultimately save me from it going too far, but not before it would affect me enough to have a bearing on my personal life. I was lucky I had that influence from my mum because some people aren’t so lucky.
It started to get bad for me when I moved into my own flat with an Internet connection. Porn was one of the things I looked forward to with living by myself. Which is sad really but that’s how big porn can be in someone’s life. It got to the point I would be watching it 3 times a day and this was before we had Internet on mobiles. Sometimes I would come home from work in the day just to watch it – luckily for me I worked for a maintenance repair firm so was always driving around my city. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I was also seeing a lot of girls at the time, and I found it fine watching porn and courting girls for a year or so. But then all of a sudden I remember on a few occasions bringing girls home and not really enjoying being with them in bed. I’d gotten used to fake looking women having sex in a pornography kind of way, which is obviously different to real life, and I wasn’t finding normal women sexually attractive anymore. It was about the time my mum sent me another article on the dangers of porn and it was playing on my mind.
So I made a decision to stop watching it. Well that lasted about a day and I felt myself drawn to it. I’d read the paper and see Page 3 and immediately want to watch porn, it was like a deep warm adrenaline buzz down in my stomach and I’d have to watch it. It wasn’t a nice feeling; it was more a craving like I’d imagine a drug addict would feel before they needed their next fix. It would cloud my mind to the point it’s all I could think about. I would resist as much as I could – then snap and end up watching it, feeling terrible about it, not even enjoying it, and afterwards feeling dirty as I gave in again to this dark mistress.
I ended up making a deal with myself. If I brought a girl back to my flat and we had sex then I could watch porn once afterwards – after she had gone of course. So that’s what I did. I was still quite good with the ladies casually and brought one back to my flat at least once a week on the weekend. But I was lying to myself when I thought this arrangement was healthy for me. I wasn’t even enjoying the sex, it was all just a laboured exercise because I knew I would have earned watching porn afterwards – and not just the once which I said to myself would be the case, it would be all night – sometimes 4 times in a couple of hours! But one thing it did do is make me feel better about it in my head as ”I’d earned it”. I was still having a sexual social life and hadn’t turned into a loner who stays in and watches porn all day – as a lot of the article my mum had sent me suggested, and I was still able to sexually perform when I was with a girl.
Making me not enjoy sex was not the only way it was having an affect on me. It was the type of content I was watching. Normal couple sex wasn’t doing it for me anymore, it went to two blokes and a woman, then 3 and so on till I was watching full on gang bangs with one women and up to 8 blokes. Then that wasn’t doing it for me so I started flirting with bondage. There is all kinds of horrible stuff you can find online which is perfectly legal – but horrendous. There was stuff I was watching which I’d be disgusted with if I’d viewed it a few years before and it wouldn’t do anything for me, but now it did and I was chasing the never ending buzz with no end in sight. What was more worrying was it was all on normal porn search engines you could find through Google.
I ended up watching teen stuff then. Obviously under the pretence that these women are over 18 – and in reality they are probably in their mid 20’s – but they were in school girl scenes. It was at this point I’d read another anti-porn article about how porn can lead to paedophilia. I then realised that this is very true and it’s a very slippery dangerous slope. I also realised that we live in a society that glorifies teen schoolgirl porn. How is this possible? How many girls are in school at 18 in this country? Why is ”school girl” a popular, mainstream, recognised sexual outfit that women can wear? It’s really sick if you actually think about it! But this is what porn has done to us as a nation and where does it stop?
I ended up meeting my future fiancée, and we had a real spark, and the sex was great. I had a real connection with her and I knew I wanted to be with this woman for the rest of my life. So I knew that porn had to take a back seat – it just had to!
I thought up some techniques I could use which I hoped would work. Every time I’d get the urge, I’d make myself masturbate without it – because then I would be sexually satisfied, albeit temporarily, and the urge would go. It took a long time but after a few weeks of this with excuses as to why I couldn’t have sex with my girlfriend – due to too much practice of the technique – it got easier until I wouldn’t think about it again.
So I was fine for months enjoying my relationship and life again. My fiancée became pregnant and we were expecting our first child. But during the later months of the pregnancy I was becoming less sexually attracted to my girlfriend. It wasn’t because she was getting big; it was that I didn’t feel comfortable with having sex with my son in the room and in some instances on me! I looked it up and it is a very common problem in some men, which after a lot of persuasion my fiancée was happy with.
But unfortunately this opened the door to porn again. Although I wasn’t sexually attracted to my fiancée anymore through her being pregnant, I was missing the sexual satisfaction. I thought watching a bit of porn would be fine as long as it didn’t get out of control. So I started again – and before I knew it I was back sliding down that slippery slope once again.
My fiancée had our beautiful son who’s the apple of my eye – but obviously after giving birth sex was off the table for a good few months, which was fine. In all honesty I wasn’t missing it because that meant I had good run of being able to watch porn without the Mrs wanting sex, which was all I cared about at that time. I was fully engulfed in the process – like an ex heroin addict is when they finally shoot up again after so long. I’d be watching TV at night with my fiancée and see an advert with a half naked woman it, then the inevitable warm adrenaline buzz in my lower stomach would explode like a firework and porn would be all I could think about. I’d say I’m going to the toilet and sneak the laptop in there on mute just to get my fix. Then sneak back out again feeling like naughty school kid who has come back to their mum after doing something wrong. Afterwards I’d say to myself that’s the last time. But soon I was ready again – the urge was just too strong.
My fiancée was closing in on feeling ok to have sex again and she was letting me know well in advance as for her it had been too long without it. Well this filled me with dread because I’d been used to perfectly formed, big fake boobed women online, and my fiancée was showing the after affects of childbirth. Something else was happening too. I was getting ratty towards her and irritable. She wanted to kiss me and I just wasn’t interested. Porn was actually making me reject the woman I loved. I just said the usual excuse like ”I’m tired” etc, then just go back into the toilet to satisfy my addiction. It was all that mattered and I was blinded to my fiancée’s needs.
I ended up having sex with her for the first time after her constantly complaining that I wasn’t putting out. The excuses of ”I’m too tired from work, I have to get up early in the morning and are you sure you’re ready?” were wearing very thin. So one night I gave in and we had sex. Well without going in to too much detail, I failed half way through. I just wasn’t enjoying it. Any man reading this will know, when you don’t rise to the occasion, or flop half way through – it is the most mortifying experience we can experience as a man. No matter what your partner says – it’s horrible. But much to my surprise my fiancée reacted differently than I thought she would – instead of reassuring me, she was basically in tears – ”you don’t love me anymore, you don’t find me attractive!’’ I was shocked to say the least. I was in a state, embarrassed beyond belief, and she’s the one feeling worthless. Which when I thought about it was completely understandable.
So I decided to partake in the long arduous process of weaning myself off the porn once again. I looked on forums for help as this time it was proving too difficult. ”How do you desensitize yourself to porn,” I typed in. To my surprise there was no end of men asking the same question with lives literally in tatters over this dark addiction. One person said refrain from all sexual activity. No masturbating, no sex for a month, It’s hard but if you want to conquer it you have to do it because by the end of the month you’ll be that pent up, ‘you’ll be able to shag anything’ – I think his words were.
So I decided to do it – For my fiancée, my son and my own mental health I had to man up and do the right thing.
Luckily I was in the fight game as well – MMA and boxing, and had a fight coming up in a few months. So I imposed a sex ban. It was the perfect excuse. Fighters do it all the time and my fiancée couldn’t say anything, as I needed to be on top form for my fight.
After a month of hell and a couple of relapses, I managed it. There were many, many weak moments. I stopped reading the Scum as it was just littered with triggers – and bullshit Tory sympathising rubbish – so it was a welcome change in two respects. I let my laptop run out of battery so I couldn’t access it and just used pure will power.
I’m pleased to say I’m out the other side now. It’s been over a year since I had that horrible warm feeling in my stomach and my future wife and myself have a great sex life and I love her more than anything in the world. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Like I say – in our society now, we live in a world with porn everywhere. You could be searching for something innocent online and all of a sudden there’s a half naked woman trying to sell you something. On Facebook pages there are sexually suggestive posts, and girls are dressing more provocatively in their profile pictures – all of this a very easy trigger for a porn addict.
I look back on it now and I was a horrible human being. I rejected the woman I love, I withheld a sexual relationship with her and treated her horribly, and now I had a son to look after and spend my time on. Breaking my addiction was the best thing I ever did.
I not only saw a change in me during my porn watching period, but in my friends as well. I was using a friend’s phone to search for something online and in the search history was gay porn. I was shocked! He has been a very close friend over the years, had long-term girlfriend after long-term girlfriend and, in between, was a very successful straight bachelor. So this was a massive shock. But I didn’t say anything to him, as it was his business.
One day he told me he had been seeing men for one-night stands. I almost fell over. Not because he was saying he was having gay relationships as I have a number of gay friends – it was more the fact that he was probably the straightest red-blooded male I have ever come across. It turns out that while he was single he had watched that much porn that it just didn’t do it for him anymore. It progressed onto transsexual porn, then to gay porn, to actual gay sexual relationships.
I have heard stories of men going down the route of child pornography as well. Men who would never think about abusing children, growing up with a perfect upbringing and ending up in jail because they’ve watched that much porn nothing satisfies the beast anymore – as it were – and have gone to the next extreme of abusing children.
That’s all born out of porn progression. Chasing the buzz, very much like what a drug addict goes through.
We as a society aren’t realising the dangers that this is causing. It’s becoming more and more commonplace with advertising and the Internet that more and more relationships and children’s lives are going to get destroyed.
There was an interview with bestselling American novelist John Grisham recently, which said and I quote “We have prisons now filled with guys my age. Sixty-year-old white men in prison who’ve never harmed anybody, would never touch a child, But they got online one night and started surfing around, probably had too much to drink or whatever, and pushed the wrong buttons, went too far and got into child porn.” The key words in this quote are ”went too far” and ”would never touch a child”. He is right in the statement that they are not necessarily paedophiles, but the main word he misses out is ”yet”, and going too far doesn’t stop, it goes as far as it takes before it doesn’t work anymore then the next stage is real life.
They may not have harmed a child – just viewed some content online in the comfort of their own home. But just like millions of other men, when they first start watching porn they would never dream of looking at child porn. But now they are doing just that – drunk or not. And where does it end? What about when that doesn’t satisfy their burning desire to get off? There is only one more step after that isn’t there?
Mr John Grisham’s comments are just contributing to the problem. He is saying it’s fine publicly, which will let men around the world know, who are already at that stage, that what they are doing is ok.
I’m not saying locking everyone up is the answer because it’s not. We need stricter laws in this country about porn. I don’t think you could ban it all together which would be ideal but the age girls can star in porn should be higher – 25 at least. Anything depicting a scene in a school etc needs to be banned, offenders need proper counselling to reverse their mindset and behaviour and an all round awareness on the dangers of porn needs to be addressed internationally.
I watched a show on a person who is a self-proclaimed paedophile hunter – ”Stinson Hunter”. He catches paedophiles online by posing as an underage girl, luring men to an address, getting them on film and turning them over to the police. Most of these men aren’t paedophiles. Well, they don’t start off as paedophiles anyway. They’ve watched that much porn they have progressed to meeting young girls. An ex police officer on the show says he tried to do the same thing and catch paedophiles online. He stated worryingly that out of 2000 men he spoke to as an under age girl, only 2 wouldn’t meet him after he said how old he was – in this case 13.
This is an endemic problem in the Internet age, and needs to be addressed as a matter of urgency otherwise it will only get worse.
I haven’t even mentioned the low buzz reinforcement of the exploitation of women in mainstream newspapers, magazines, TV programmes and films – which is another story all on its own.
People from both sides of the gender divide are in trouble and we need to put a stop to this before it’s too late, otherwise we are going to be living in a society of paedophiles, broken relationships and ruined children’s lives.
(Picture source: http://91ef69bade70f992a001-b6054e05bb416c4c4b6f3b0ef3e0f71d.r93.cf3.rackcdn.com/frustrated-business-man-with-laptop-10065994.jpg)